Iranian Families (Continued)
by: Behnaz Jallali
Marriage
Women marry at an earlier age than do men and are generally 10 to 15 years younger than their spouses. In traditional families women marry at about age 16 to 18, but among urban modern families it is later, typically at age 22 to 25. This is especially true among the most Westernized families, in which men try to develop economic independence before marriage. There are financial demands made on the man by the woman's family prior to marriage, which depend upon the family's wealth and social status. When marriage, occurs, the two families become united. Ideally this strengthens both families, who join their wealth and increase their power and influence. Women must obtain the agreement of their fathers in order to marry whereas men do not have this legal prerequisite, although it may be a moral one. Depending upon the social class and tradition of the family, premarital sex for women may be looked upon with disdain and contempt. If the man has had premarital sex with several other women, however, it is tolerated. On the other hand, if a woman has premarital relations, she may be considered a loose woman and will consequently become stigmatized.
In traditional rural and urban families, the parents choose the ideal young woman for their son and arrange meetings and do the negotiations with her family. If these arrangements go well, a time is set for the wedding. At the marriage ceremony a sum of money, of Mehr, is guaranteed to the wife in case her husband dies or divorces her. Very few meetings occur between the man and the woman until they officially marry. When they do meet, it is usually in the presence of the family. Arranged marriages and betrothals at birth are declining somewhat. But they are still common, as are marriages between cousins.
A woman gains status when she get married, and this status increases when she has a child, especially if it is a boy. sons are regarded as economic assets, and Iranians desire large families with as many male children as possible. Generally, the woman goes to live among her husband's relatives; however, she maintains close ties with her family. Conflicts among in-laws are a common source of stress. Prior to the family protection laws of 1967, men were allowed to have as many as four wives, whereas women could have only one husband. Polygamous marriages invariably led to rivalries and jealousies among the wives as each competed for the husband's attention and favor. However, the first and oldest wife maintained a senior position.
A Moslem man may marry a non-Moslem woman, but a Moslem woman cannot marry a non-Moslem man unless her converts to Islam. Also, men can divorce their wives; but the reverse is not true unless there is an exceptional situation. The father is the legal custodian of the children and he retains this custody after a divorce. A woman once divorced carries a special stigma, and she loses face in the society and with her family. She has less chance of remarrying than does a divorced man. She has very little chance of marrying a man who has not married before.
Depending upon the amount of wealth, the traditional family usually has a number of servants who stay with the family for years. The servants' children or relatives may be retained to replace or supplement the help when the established servants are old and can no longer work. Servants are usually treated well by the family and are provided with food and clothing for themselves as well as for their children and relatives. Wealthier families may also have nannies who take a very active role in rearing their children. The relationship between the nanny and the child may become a very special one and is sometimes even closer than the relationship between the child and the mother.
The mother receives guidance and advice in rearing children from her mother, her mother-in-law, and her other relatives. Because of a relatively high infant mortality rate, the mother is fearful of losing her children. This fear often takes the form of an old belief in the evil eye that still survives to some degree in the middle and upper classes. The evil eye has both supernatural and personalized aspects. It is believed that people out of envy, jealousy, and hostility may wish misfortunes upon others. The evil eye explains the occurrence of misfortunes and focuses fear on outsiders and on their envy. As a result people refrain from making comments on the health, beauty, or even intelligence of a young child for fear that they may make them vulnerable to the evil eye (not so true any more.......editor).