Iranian Families (Part VI)
by: Behnaz Jalali
Sent by: Tahereh Rah
The traditional Iranian family unit is patriarchal: The father is the undisputed head of the family. Sons and their wives may live in the father's household or compound. An extended family consisting of a couple, their unmarried children, plus their married sons with their wives and children, is common among many segments of the population. Old Iranian houses were built to accommodate this life-style. A wall surrounded the home to ensure privacy, and each nuclear family had its own sleeping quarters. Many extended families continue to maintain close ties, and frequent marriages between cousins serve to strengthen these ties.
The father holds his authority over his wife, children, and grand children. No one dares to question his decisions openly. Authority in the extended family is almost always invested in the oldest man - a father who is head of his household. This man may discipline his younger brothers and sisters, as well as his nieces and nephews. It is the patriarch's responsibility to unify the group and to resolve internal conflicts. Religious laws define a wife's relationship to her husband as one of submission. A husband expects his wife to take care of the home and children, and her actions at home and in public must help his and the family's status. The father expects respect and obedience from others in the family, and in turn he supports them materially and socially. He is expected to be a strict disciplinarian, but he is also a provider of affection and love. The father is the only legal guardian of his children, and he allows more freedom to his sons than to his daughters. A father's authority gives him an incredible amount of influence and power. At times he may make decisions for his children, even when they are adults. When the father dies, the sons in the family move into separate households, with the eldest inheriting the authority and accepting the responsibility of looking after his mother and any unmarried brothers and sisters.
The mother has a different sort of authority and power, which is more subtle and indirect. It depends in part on the kind of relationship that she has built through the years with her husband, sons, brothers, and the other women in the family. In public, women address men in a different and more reserved fashion than in private; for example, they may add words to their names like agha or khan, which is an indication of respect and formality.
The mother never openly disagrees with the father but she may have other relatives-such as her children or her mother-in-law-intervene on he behalf. Through them, she expresses her opinions or requests. Iranian women are particularly close to their children and devote a great deal of time to them. When a conflict arises between the father and children, the mother tries to intervene and mediate. She attempts to soften the father's attitude at the same time that she encourages her children to respect his authority.
Mothers are also very affectionate toward their children, especially their sons. They attempt to persuade their sons rather than give them orders, but they try to dominate their daughters. Sons show a great deal of love and devotion to their mothers and when married, they encourage their wives to be friendly with them. If as in many instances, the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law becomes conflictual, the son/husband serves as mediator.
Relationships between brothers and sisters are complex. There is an attachment between brothers and sisters that stems both from bonding and responsibility. A brother assumes the role of supporting his sister, but if his sister behaves inappropriately, a brother's disapproval is as powerful as a husband's. Should a sister lose her husband, her brother automatically becomes her main male protector.
Possibly, the most difficult relationship is between fathers and sons. the father continuously dominates his son but also encourages him to take on more responsibility. Identification with the father is strongly encouraged and supported because it is assumed that he will someday take on his father's role. He will become not only the head of his own nuclear family but possibly the patriarch of the extended family as well. This pattern stimulates conflict since both submission and competition are expected at the same time.