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Shirin
Some people are afraid of dying. I am afraid that I won't be able to remember her face in my mind. At the present moment I cannot imagine what my world will be like without my memories of her. We have the foreboding that our true home is far away, well beyond the limits of our earthly experiences. We can only have glimpses of inaccessible distances and those days that are gone.
Those days are gone And the tone of laughter grows in my ears Those days are gone! And that song of lullaby perished in the air, Now I radiate light And the blue sky Is covered with the rays of sun! And I am still looking at Those lost days That quietly faded and vanished.
Moments and memories are incredibly shaping in my head and strangely moving right in front of my eyes. I am trying to visualize the future and the past. I feel I have become a little kid again. This is the same feeling I had every time Nowruz was approaching back in Iran.
In this second, I am not contemplating about anything, except my beloved one, and with my stillness, I am trying to put my focus, on bringing Shirin back to life. Back to the same scene and underground passages of our childhood. I appear to be shivering, numbed and suffocated, in the midst of darkness of the overcrowded past memory.
By experimenting life, I have faced the irrational world that involves the feelings of anxiety and loneliness. However, I hope that I can convey the intensity about a life at its peak before the process of decay, the life-blood of nature, begins. I felt my rank in life is as elevated as my knowledge of, and my acceptance in the world that I knew nothing of. If I plead guilty to the charges of love, which I have undoubtedly brought against me, of imprudence and folly in many particulars; yet of malignancy and vice I am innocent.
I have not yet forgotten the first time I saw Shirin, and how I learned to love her. It was many years ago, in one of those neighborhoods in Northern Tehran, where the sweet and bitter, complemented one another. Where the tender loving Persian poetry, was the language of love. Where our loving country, was gladly illuminated and was bright, like a new pottery, all-aglitter on flowery old-tales and astoundingly beautiful love stories, yet, very bittersweet.
My love for her was of a different kind. A kind that stays with you for eternity and that becomes your shadow and perhaps a dreadful experience like when you try to dig out a tomb. It produces a painful thought that grabs a hold on you for the rest of your life.
Oh you Love, the single most important element of the entire creation or the evolution. Love flows in many ways among all creation, among men and all living things. Without love, we are unable to function. Without love, we can't justify our existence. And very naturally, we long to love and be loved and long to live.
I recall the times we would go together to the mountains of Alborz, in the summer time, just to glance at each other’s eyes, for hours. But, everything seems so far at the present time. I don't know of Shirin's whereabouts, but I know my heart has been filled with longing for a joy, far more distant from my present restful situation.
I have strictly verified this in my case. I was insensible of my regard for love, until, I met her. I am convinced of it. Now, the shades of departed happiness, haunts me perpetually! I am sometimes tempted to stop the flow of life, and confess my faults.
I dearly longed to be out there with her again. It was so far away and so long since it all happened. Yet, it seemed almost like a dream, as if she had never been away at all. But she had been there -- not here to see and feel how the white, frosty, peaceful winter yielded and the dry, strong, light blue air, drenched with mist in the middle of the day, hung quivering over the ground.
Every outline was blurred or broken, but the colors were vivid and sharp - naked, as it were-until evening came, when everything froze under a sky of pale green, everlasting light. -Oh my beloved Shirin, I miss you so much, and I want to be with you. I can scarcely believe that you are gone, and I can't bear to be alone, longing for you, all this bright, long spring-long Nowruz.
I speak with such high-flown words. I only invented them so that I will be able to appease my tormented soul and to appease this insatiable craving for a very distant past. Poor men, not knowing that women can generally be simple, vain, and poisonous. And they are bored unless there is a man to entertain them. Yet, I loved Shirin. She was not like any ordinary woman. She was as rare as blue diamonds. She was my Shirin, and I was the bewildered Farhad.
My heart beats high in expectation of its fancied joy of perhaps seeing her, once again. My imagination paints, in alluring colors, her face and her dress. I recoil at the thought of forming a connection, between my other-half and me. I must either quit the whole thing, or leave me to the exercise of my free will, which perhaps may coincide with my present wishes.
I sat on a cliff, like an innocent bird in an unknown land, and tried so hard to bring my Shirin, my Sun-God, into my sight. I wanted to jump over the cliff and sacrifice what was left of me, upon her arrival. It was as though my mind had frozen up and resisting to this act.
So I started to walk away aimlessly, but I had not advanced few steps when suddenly, in front of my astonished eyes, I saw Shirin coming towards me with her usual bittersweet smile. She stopped within few steps from me. This time I had lost myself and didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure whether she was a real person or only a dream! Maybe I was asleep and this was really a dream!
It was very confusing because I did not even try squeezing my eyes to make her appear. However, I could clearly see her in the same soft, rosily gray mixture garment, like the sky that one sometimes sees at winter twilight. I am certain that you are asking me whether I am in pursuit of truth, or that woman. The one who is responsible for having this conversation with you to begin with. My answer is, both. I hope and trust they are united; and really expect to find the truth.
Let me confess it, I am neither ashamed to rank myself among the professed admirers of this earthly desire, nor I am afraid to tell you about it. I don't feel that I am in any danger of becoming vulnerable so that you may feel pity for me. I am simply rambling about whatever comes to my mind, only to gratify your curiosity.
Nevertheless, it was an incredible feeling seeing her again. It was exhilarating. Nervously, I looked at her beautiful, soft shoulder-length silky hair, which complemented by her bright, pure pearl-white teeth. I looked like a child who had found his pacifier and was content and happy with just having that, yet, I was confused and bewildered. Just Imagine being in a place where you are stuck in the middle of an island watching a hurricane coming at your direction, only to lift you up and bring you down again. It was a suffocating feeling. I was standing there, utterly voiceless and motionless. Nothing was uttered between us.
It was as though the nature and all its surroundings had been immobilized. A combined feeling of love and a romantic melancholy clearly had encapsulated the ambiance. It was a moment of celebration of the beauty and beast. It was a moment of simple frontier of life in the spirit of imaginary horizons of nostalgia for the past love. It was a moment of a picturesque, preoccupation with a delightful mysterious trend toward the irrational and the supernatural component of the reinforced delusional entity!
I finally advanced towards her, but this time my soul had penetrated her and had made her to stand still. I stopped two steps away from her and looked at her carefully. Her big brown eyes widened and they were blinking, like the stars. It seemed to me that I had never seen her before. But, how could this be possible? Nonetheless, all the trifles upon which the memories and feelings of my childhood depended upon; was standing right in front of me. I was not sure whether I should admire her; or, detest her? - Oh, so charming! Oh, so horrible! -I thought this was only a phantom of her, but it did resemble her a bit…a very far and distant resemblance. I wasn't sure if my arm muscles were under my control or not. I assumed if I stretch my arms towards her, it would go right through her body. I was feeling the same old fear again; fear of myself, of my shadow, of her and of death. Suddenly I gathered my strength and uttered these words to her:
You once said: 'I love you' And in this altar, I found love! And I set up the empty space of my childhood, Next to your cradle! Oh! How peaceful and proud it all passed
Suddenly I started to touch her hair, hands and feet and even rubbed her fingers against my body. That gave me such a soothing feeling. In order to get into her mind, I closed my eyes. I wanted to go within her and fly away with her to a different planet and never return to reality. I simply wanted to vanish with her into a whirlwind of never ending love and happiness. That feeling ... that feeling of warmth and love filled me up temporarily and I just wanted to rest my head on her bosoms and die on her breasts.
The desire to govern my feelings seemed absurd. I wanted to melt in the ocean of love, and be with her for eternity. In the midst of that delirium of passion to which I was experiencing, the preposterous notions of love, of eternal happiness, seemed unreal. The whole thing seemed anticlimactic.
The feeling of pure joy passed onto every vein in my bodily desire. If you took the one thousand best things that ever happened to you in your life and multiplied them by a million, maybe you could get close to this feeling I was having. My heart was palpitating very hard. I could feel my body temperature. My life will never be the same. I must find a way to stop the tears for a time. I must find a way to be strong and support my beloved. I am not sure how many minutes, or how many hours passed. When I opened my eyes, I saw her walking away from me. My legs were completely frozen and couldn't move. I saw her getting farther and farther away from my stagnant eyes and I couldn't do a thing about it. She finally disappeared from my sight. I wondered if I should cry, or if it was a sin not to feel like crying now! I didn't feel like crying. I just wanted to be alone.
I have had several opportunities in the past dream of conversing with her. But, I had always avoided it until this very moment. I wasn't able to introduce the favorite subject of my heart. Indeed she seemed studiously trying to avoid noticing me, and that, truly disturbed me. I am counting the hours, no, the very moments. Farewell, farewell my love.
I stood a few moments, considering what course to take, though shame and regret had almost taken from me the power of thought. An unusual sensation possessed my body. An unusual sensation of indulging myself in the ocean of grief for a lost love and failure upon failure has come over me. The melancholy, the gloom, had depressed my spirits, and palled every enjoyment of life.
Life definitely is a mystery! Life has many moments! Life has many faces! Life is a garden, Where the Cyprus trees begin to rustle, And where the reality is hushed, And you feel a cold breeze, Passing through every bone in your body, And you start to tremble. Life is perhaps a universal odyssey, When one is thrown into an ocean, “Sink or swim.”
For thousands of years life has been a mystery, yet it raises its crown in eternal solitude and quiet towards heaven. Life has been an ancient city that slowly advancing spring - in spite of all that can be said of the tumultuous nature of it.
So I learned to live. Learned to live in a moment that recaptures the childhood joy of delighting in each thing as it comes. I wanted to search for the unknown. It is an incredible chase. It is a chase against time. I wanted to know why! I wanted to know my destiny.
I think no one has yet discovered my truth, And my hands still have time, To pick up a flower from the ground! And finally, A sail draws me towards you! After a life of pain and suffering! Suddenly my turn arrives! Glowing stars shine! Suspended ghost of death falls silent! Springs surge! Clouds perish! Nowruz arrives! Alas! We have lost the days of our youth.
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